Joke of the Day. With all the bad news we need a cheering up soooooo we are going to try and put up a new joke each day check back often

Feb 24

 

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but 
here is one: 

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small 
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is 
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot 
tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. 

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if 
that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' 

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is 
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the 
best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into. 

Now wipe that smile off your face.

And pass it on...

 

Feb 16

--- A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 

"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
To the second mother he said, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
To the third mother he said, "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered,

"Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. We'll pick up Peter and Willy from school and go to dinner.

 

 

Jan 27

 

  What Starts with F and ends with K  
 A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

When he had been acting up particularly badly, the teacher asked,'Harry, what's your problem?'  
 Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and

 I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' 
 Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.  
 While Harry  waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions

he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. 
 Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he  agreed to take the test..  
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'  
 Harry: '9.' 
 Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' 
 Harry: '36.'  
 And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. 
 The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.' 
 Ms. Brooks says to the principal,  'Let me ask him some questions.' 
 The principal and Harry both agreed.  
 Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' 
 Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'  
 Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' 
 The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! 
 Harry replied: 'Pockets.'  
 Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'  
 Harry: 'Pants.'  
 Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?' 
 Harry:  'Coconut.'  
 The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. 
 Ms. Brooks:  'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?' 
 The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.' 
 Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'  
 Harry: 'Shake hands.' 
 The principal was trembling.
 Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?' 
 Harry: 'Firetruck.'  
 The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,  

'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......'

 

Jan 20

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything....tutors, mentors, flash cards,
special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. 
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him
In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came
home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother 
hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. 
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary
was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. 
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without
a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. 
This went on For some time, day after day, while the mother tried to
understand what made all the difference. 
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.
He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.
With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise,
Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. 
She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said,
'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook
his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline,
the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?' 
Little Zachary looked at her and said,
'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign,
I knew they weren't fooling around.'
 
 

 

Jan 11

It is near the Christmas break of the school year.

The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal. 

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" 

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." 

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" 

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." 

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" 

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." 

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" 

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. Can I GO NOW?"

 

 

Jan 5

 

Texas Sheriff's Exam


A man seeking to join a South Texas Sheriff's Department is being
interviewed.  The sergeant conducting the interview says:  "Your
qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test
that you must complete before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: "I want you to
take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six drug
dealers, six terrorist extremists, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Nancy
Pelosi and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant.  "When can you start?"

 

Dec 22

 Wisdom from Ole:

At All Saints Lutheran Church in Minneapolis, Minnesota, they have a weekly
husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Pastor asked Ole
Westrum, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few
minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to
the same woman all these years.

Vell, Ole replied to the assembled husbands, 'I've tried to treat her nice,
spend da money on her, but best of all, I took her to Norvay for da 25th
anniversary!'

The Pastor responded, 'Ole, you are an amazing inspiration to all the
husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your 50th
anniversary.'

Ole proudly replied, 'I'm a-gonna go get her.'

 

Dec 4

 

Nov 25

 

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white U.S. government official,
'You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances.
You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied,

'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo,

plenty beaver, clean water.
Women did all the work, Medicine man free.
Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled,
'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.

 

 

June 8

Country doctors

 
 
 
 

A young doctor had moved out to a small

community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older gent suggested the young one accompany

him on his rounds so the community could become

used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman

complained, "I've been a little sickto my stomach.

" The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been

overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount

you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even

examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope

on thefloor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I

noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash.

That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever.

I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several

minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained

that she just didn't have the energy she once did.

"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work

for the church," the younger doctor told her.

"Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said,

"Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct,

but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped

my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it,

I noticed the preacher under the bed."

 

 

 

June 5

Confused I  became confused when I heard the word 'service'  used with these agencies.

Internal Revenue  'Service'
U.S. Postal  'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'  
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I  thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.
BAM!!!  It all came into focus.  Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.  

You are now as enlightened as I am.  

 

May 27

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet a

nd pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing

the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see

what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. '

Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked. 'They're mating,' her father replied. '

What do you call the spider on top?' she asked. 'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of

such a cute and innocent question he replied,

'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted
her foot and stomped them flat. 'Well, we're not having any of that shit in our garden' she said.

 

May 20

RECTUM STRETCHER (if you don't laugh at this one, there is something wrong.)

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find acop with a radar gun on the other side
lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then
work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand
in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly
but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? " he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...."


Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs - $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face...............PRICELESS

 

May 19

 

 

 

May 7

TAILGATER 

 

A man was being tailgated by a stressed- out woman on a busy boulevard.

Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk,

even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. 

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed

her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. 

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a

very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. 

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed,

and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and

opened the door . She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was

waiting with her personal effects..


He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake.
You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.'
I noticed the  'What Would Jesus Do bumper sticker,
the 'Choose Life' license plate holder,
the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker,
and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem  on the trunk.

 

Naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.' 

Priceless.

 

Tuesday April 28

Bill Gates met God, and God said, "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this one.

I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to Hell.

After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost

every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows.

I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you

decide where you want to go."
Bill Gates said, "What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "It might help you decide if you took a peek at both places.

Shall we look at Hell first?"
Bill was amazed. He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters.

There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around,

playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.

The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. "This is great!" said Bill.

"If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven."
God said, "Let's go!" and off they went to Heaven.
Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky, with angels drifting about

playing harps and singing.

It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for only a brief

moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would prefer to go to Hell."
"As you wish," said God.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see

how things were going.

He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst the hot flames in a dark cave.

He was being tortured by demons with pitchforks. "How ya doin', Bill?" asked God.
Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all!

What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
"Oh, that," said God. "That was the screen saver."

Monday April 20

 

 

 

Monday April 13

TWO BRAZILIAN SOLDIERS

The Dept Of Defense briefed the president this morning, they told

OBAMA that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq .

To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face.  

Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.   

Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?'

This is especially funny since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either.

 

 Wednesday April 8

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.

HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOESIN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.         

THE LITTLE BOY IS GRIPPING ON TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITTING HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?  YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."      

BLLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY.

I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY'YET."          

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEWMORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."  

 

 Thursday April 9

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the Interstate. So, I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully

get out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.     
They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe!  They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to

the approaching drivers. To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men.  And of course, traffic starts

backing up.  Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.  It wasn't long before a State Trooper pulls up behind me. 

He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me.  
I could tell he was not a happy camper! What's going on here?"  
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him,
"Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"  

 

CAMWORKS  SURFCAM  KeyCreator  CADKEY

www.bobilinhoney.com

 

 

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point she said, '

Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said,

'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed

staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied,

'What happened to my booger?'

 

Nurse Cathy's Constipation Cure

 

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, look in the mirror

and repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:

"My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of, Barack Obama, J

oe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual,

Barney Frank, and Chris Dodd" If that doesn't scare the crap out of you, then

you are probably destined to be backed up for the rest of your life.

There is no need to thank me for this advice, I'm just doing a public service.

 

Think about this:

1. Cows

2. The Constitution

3. The Ten Commandments

 

COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our

government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago,

right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls.

But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we

should give each of them a cow..

 

THE CONSTITUTION

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... why don't

we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has

worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

 

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a

courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not

Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers,

judges and politicians ... it creates a hostile work environment. .